Hey carmen, my original edit of your article is here: http://eicweissjournalism.wordpress.com/2009/03/22/features-edit-2/
If you want to try to write it in past tense, since the paper is obviously not coming out by friday, go for it. I would suggest posting a past-tense draft that you can revise next week.
hey carmen, i left an edit of your article as a comment on it.
if anyone asks whether they should still evaluate your article, say yes because two is better than one!
Hey carmen thanks for posting up your article. You definitely need to tell Margaret though so she can check over it since she's the features editor. I'll peer edit it if you'd like but just tell margaret you have it up. Thanks.
Hey Carmen!
You are now officially an opinion writer (and i am your editor)!
I have ideas up on my blog.
Feel free to contact me with any doubts or questions you might have!
Hey Carmen.
Just read your 'Circus' article.
It's reeeally well written. I'm very impressed.
However, i must say that it's definitely lacking some substance.
It's too short and too pointy (i.e. when you have a bunch of one sentence paragraphs with no flow saying what each track is about).
I think that if you put in your opinion a little more and you add some more information (how about how many records were sold? how its songs are number one sold on iTunes?) it will be great!
I can't really make out whether you thought the CD was good or not. I feel like there is some sarcasm at some points, and true sincerity in others. It's a bit confusing.
Although you should definitely keep what you've already written, devote a paragraph to saying how you truly feel about the album.
Good luck!
The staff and I would really like to publish this article in the next paper. Congrats! To do this though, we need a few changes or updates to be made. You'll need to do some more reporting and researching, but it will totally be worth it.
Here are the notes I made about changes:
-Define “separation”
-Explain what Enrichment Journal is
-See if there are students whose parents were considering divorce, but ended up staying together.
-“1,075,000 children under the age of 18 have divorced parents”- where did you get this statistic?
-Try to talk to divorced parents; especially the parents of the students quoted. See why they got divorced
-Try to figure out why the amount of divorces is sky rocketing.
-As my journalism class and I were talking about this article and divorce, one student of divorced parents mentioned the perks of being the child of divorced parents. She mentioned double the presents, when you apply for FAFSA (college scholarship money) you only need to present the taxes for one parent (therefore, you get more money from the college), etc. Talk about this.
If you need help, feel free to email me at: margaret.cohn@gmail.com
,call me (305)332-0146, or leave a message on my ning or wordpress.
I just realized that in your edit I told you to quote students that are both pro and con, but obviously I wasn't thinking when I wrote that. Obviously, only quote students who support raising the driving age. Sorry about that.
I like to write and read and hear other people's opinions. I also think that journalism provides people with real information and that I would like to be the one to give it to them.
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If you want to try to write it in past tense, since the paper is obviously not coming out by friday, go for it. I would suggest posting a past-tense draft that you can revise next week.
if anyone asks whether they should still evaluate your article, say yes because two is better than one!
You are now officially an opinion writer (and i am your editor)!
I have ideas up on my blog.
Feel free to contact me with any doubts or questions you might have!
Just read your 'Circus' article.
It's reeeally well written. I'm very impressed.
However, i must say that it's definitely lacking some substance.
It's too short and too pointy (i.e. when you have a bunch of one sentence paragraphs with no flow saying what each track is about).
I think that if you put in your opinion a little more and you add some more information (how about how many records were sold? how its songs are number one sold on iTunes?) it will be great!
I can't really make out whether you thought the CD was good or not. I feel like there is some sarcasm at some points, and true sincerity in others. It's a bit confusing.
Although you should definitely keep what you've already written, devote a paragraph to saying how you truly feel about the album.
Good luck!
The staff and I would really like to publish this article in the next paper. Congrats! To do this though, we need a few changes or updates to be made. You'll need to do some more reporting and researching, but it will totally be worth it.
Here are the notes I made about changes:
-Define “separation”
-Explain what Enrichment Journal is
-See if there are students whose parents were considering divorce, but ended up staying together.
-“1,075,000 children under the age of 18 have divorced parents”- where did you get this statistic?
-Try to talk to divorced parents; especially the parents of the students quoted. See why they got divorced
-Try to figure out why the amount of divorces is sky rocketing.
-As my journalism class and I were talking about this article and divorce, one student of divorced parents mentioned the perks of being the child of divorced parents. She mentioned double the presents, when you apply for FAFSA (college scholarship money) you only need to present the taxes for one parent (therefore, you get more money from the college), etc. Talk about this.
If you need help, feel free to email me at: margaret.cohn@gmail.com
,call me (305)332-0146, or leave a message on my ning or wordpress.
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